I’ll Pay For This.

I ran the 2008 Bank of America Shamrock Shuffle 8K this morning. The Shuffle is the kick-off for the Chicago racing season and, for many of us, the true start of spring. In keeping with the kind of winter we had and the way spring has started, it was below 40 degrees at the starting line. For the first time since I started running this race (1997, I think), I wimped out and wore tights instead of shorts. I felt like a real wuss when I saw the guy with no shirt, covered in green body paint and wearing a neon green wig.

I set a personal record today by over a minute — I came in under 36 minutes, far and away my best time ever. Yes, I’m bragging, but with a purpose: I have discovered the secret to fast times, and I’m going to share it with you. It isn’t training; I haven’t done much running this winter, or any cross training. It isn’t diet; I have not been particularly careful about what I’ve been putting in my mouth the last few months. And I got less than seven hours of sleep last night.

Here’s the secret: drugs.

This morning, I arrived downtown just over an hour before the start of the race. I parked, emerged onto Michigan Avenue, and immediately began to look around for a dealer. I knew there had to be one nearby. There! I ducked into a storefront doorway, and placed my order. Minutes later, I had it: a double espresso. I gulped it down while it was still hot, and I was off to the races!

Oh, I know the side effects, but I was willing to bet I could get to the port-a-johns before the race started, and in fact I handled that issue just fine. Mrs. Unfocused says I need to put an asterix by my time this year, but I say if the major leaguers can do it, so can I. I just hope that I don’t develop a tolerance and have to move up to triple and quadruple espressos, because that could get expensive.

I’m going to feel it tomorrow, that much I promise you.

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6 responses to “I’ll Pay For This.

  1. i’m calling dcfs right now you crackhead.

  2. I can quit anytime I want to, I swear.

  3. I wore tights with light sweats over them. So I am a total wimp. I finished in 54 plus so you were way ahead of me. I was barely through the starting line. But, this was my first one, so I was happy. Good job on the time!

  4. Might want to get that addiction in check . . . my Red Bull habit was getting pretty bad at one point until I decided that the shakes and dizziness weren’t normal and death by overconsumption of Red Bull would be a sucky way to die. Of course, that was before I started running, so don’t know if that would have helped my time. :)

    Signed,
    Mrs. Everything Under the Sun

  5. Mike – Congratulations on finishing your first Shuffle! 54 is a very respectable time, especially for an unfamiliar course — my first couple of times running the Shuffle were similar. How long did it take for the pack to thin out and the course to open up, anyway? A mile? Two miles? That crowd adds minutes to your time.

    Jenn – I don’t [twitch] know what you’re [jerk] talking about [shake]. Voltaire drank 40 cups of [shudder] coffee every day, and he was healthy and productive, right up until the day he died of old age at 32.

  6. It took a good mile to a mile-and-a-half. Maybe I could have shaved a couple seconds but that’s about it. I was pretty wiped out at the end.

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